Kristen Stewart Would Like Everyone To Eff Off Now, Please

There’s a good chance that Kristen Stewart is the most envied girl on the face of the planet right now.

Why? Just look at her. She doesn’t just get to kiss Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner all day long, but she actually gets paid to do it. No wonder Kristen Stewart recently topped an imaginary poll of stars who teenage girls would most like to secretly kill in order to dance around in a nightmarish suit made out of their skin.

And how does Kristen Stewart react to all this scrutiny of her private life? By telling the entire world to jolly well eff off, obviously.

This question of whether or not Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are doing it isn’t going away, is it? Believe the tabloids and they either are doing it, were doing it but stopped doing it – probably because Robert Pattinson smells like arses – or that they’re so completely in love that doing it has become a routine chore that stopped being exciting to either of them long ago. Believe Robert Pattinson and they definitely aren’t doing it.

Who are we supposed to trust here? Hang on, there’s one person who nobody has asked yet. Kristen Stewart. She’s famous for her forthright manner – and her slightly horse-shaped head, although that’s less relevant – so why doesn’t someone ask her what’s going on?

Funny you should ask, because Entertainment Weekly has done exactly that. And Kristen Stewart’s response?

“I probably would’ve answered it if people hadn’t made such a big deal about it. I know that people are really funny about ‘Well, you chose to be an actor, why don’t you just fucking give your whole life away? Can I have your firstborn child?’… Okay, we are. We aren’t. I’m a lesbian. I’m just trying to keep something. If people started asking me if I was dating Taylor, I’d be like ‘Fuck off!’”

So there you have it. Kristen Stewart is doing it with Robert Pattinson. And she’s not. And she’s a lesbian. So that’s that cleared up.

Really, though, we don’t know why Kristen Stewart can’t just be honest about everything. She should think of all the New Moon fans – if they don’t know whether or not she’s doing it with Robert Pattinson, then how will they know whether or not to scratch her face off all their New Moon merchandise with a mathematical compass and then write the word ‘BITCH!!!!!!’ underneath it in Tipp-Ex? It’s inconsiderate of Kristen Stewart, that’s what it is.

But, still, we suppose we can see her point. After all, it can’t be nice to see your personal life become public property like this. Especially not when it happens two weeks before the release of the new movie that also stars the man who you’ve been romantically linked with, and all you’re trying to do is promote the film in any way you possibly can. Yes, that must be awful.

Oh dear! xxx

haha x

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